Did You Just Say That? Oh, The Ridiculous Things Guys Say

Okay, I promise this isn’t a post just to bitch about “why guys just say the dumbest things,” blah, blah, blah. I really do empathize with the pressure a guy must feel when introducing himself to a new girl. He not only needs to have the right approach that’s just smooth enough without being douchey and forward enough without being creepy, but he also has to make sure to have a great opening line. Unfortunately first impressions stick, and all the so-called rules can be a lot to deal with. Totally on your side, there.

But seriously…sometimes I just want to ask a guy, “Did you just say that….out loud?”

I’m sure I heard some pretty crazy ridiculous things in college (because college guys are the best for saying the stupidest shit, let’s just be honest), but I feel the post-college guys have left a bigger impression. Maybe I’m just hearing a lot of ridiculous things back-to-back, or maybe guys are just getting worse at understanding that a simple “Hey, how are you?” is totally okay as an opening line, but why not take a look back at the best, most ridiculous things guys have said to me — at least in working memory — and reminisce a little…

Is That Really You?!

(Looking at my ID)

Him:  Wow, you’re so much hotter in person…

Me: …Um…yeah..I was 18 in that picture. I had some baby fat, I guess…

Him: No, but really…you look much hotter in person. It’s not just the baby fat. You just look much better in person.

Me: Thanks…

Dear God, do you just not know when to stop talking? I know some devil’s advocate out there wants to tell me, “The guy was trying to give you a compliment, give him a break.” I understand that that may have been the intent, but I’m not even really sure. This guy was so insistent on making sure to continue to point out that I just looked SO much better in person than I did in a picture that was six years old. When you’ve already said something that could so easily get misconstrued anyway, why are you going to keep repeating yourself as if it’s helping the case? Comparing a girl to her own self and telling her that one version is SO much better looking? That’s not a compliment, and now you sound like an ass…three times over.

Don’t Be So Uptight, Okay?

(Text before meeting up for the first time)

Him:  I’ve been having a hard work week, so you have to promise not to be uptight and be laid back.

Who, in his right mind, thinks this is a totally casual, perfectly okay text to send someone before meeting up for the first time? He followed this up by saying that I also had to let him pay for the bill without any arguments, so I took that he was trying to be nice in his own weird way? Still, asking someone to promise not to be uptight because you’ve had a hard work week…that’s a bit much, especially when you don’t know each other.

Where Are You From, Really?

(A guy talking to me and my [clearly] African-American friend)

Him: So, do you know where you’re from in Africa?

Us: *crickets*

My Friend: No…I’m not from Africa. 

Him: No, I know. But I had a friend named [some very African name] who was from Ghana.

(Did he even make a point?)

My Friend: Okay, but he was obviously actually from Africa. I’m not. My name is Jane Doe.

Him: No, I know, but I just thought that maybe you know where in Africa you’re from.

My Friend: I’m not from Africa…!!

Sadly, this conversation kept going on in circles like this for a couple of minutes with the guy still arguing his point that he had other Black friends who were actually from Africa, so maybe my friend knew her “origins.” (Come on, way to be so stereotypically racist.) His other friends, just so you know, had actually recently emigrated from Africa and had ethnic ties to their respective countries, not just a shared genetic pool with other “Africans.” Yet another instance when I just can’t help but wonder why someone would continue going on and on when the first attempt to say something that could totally go hit-or-miss OBVIOUSLY missed.

Oh, the ridiculous guys things say…


5 Things I Want You to Know About Me Now

Dance 1948 Shore Club

In recent years I’ve come to realize that people are a little surprised when they meet me because I get very comfortable with them — and very quickly. It’s just the way I always have been — a personality quirk — you could call it. But, alas, it’s the way I am and how I’ll most likely always be. I have very few formalities with people and that’s just how I like things to be.

Since I just uprooted myself to a new city, I’ve been meeting people by the hoards. And on that note — while I might not have many formalities with strangers — I often forget that normal people have a natural phase that they go through with people they meet before they  let their guard down and reveal their real personalities. It’s not that I strive to be best friends with everyone I meet; it’s more that I  naturally connect very easily with people.

In the spirit of opening up today (as if my blog wasn’t enough of an open book), here are 5 more things you should know about me right away — whether we’ve met, will meet, or know each other really well already:

  1. I care what people think about me but only in selective situations. I am who I am, so if you judge me because I’m weird, honest, and because I talk a lot (yes, I do — sorry) or for any other stupid thing, then I really won’t care. If you have a bad opinion of me because of a misunderstanding — or, worse — something that’s not even true, then it’ll probably eat me alive.
  2. One of my favorite things to do to go out and dance — and I mean actually dance — not get groped and wedged in the middle of a half-clothed orgy. It’s just not fun for me. What’s more is that I don’t like turning  guys down when they ask because it makes me feel like a bitch. I’m not trying to be, but I just want to dance. I’m sorry — don’t hate me! (See, refer to #1.)
  3. My relationships are really important to me, and it really offends me when people give me stupid reasons like, “I’m bad at keeping in touch,” or something equally childish and think they’re acceptable excuses for being absent. I take it personally because I work hard at my relationships, and I’m not bad at keeping in touch. Oh, that also goes for canceling plans on me last-minute and thinking that’s okay — it’s not. (If I’m ever guilty of this, you’ll probably have to tell me to stop apologizing.)
  4. Deep down I really do think things fall into place a certain way for a reason, but I think I lost sight of that for a while and hindsight really helps me put things into perspective a lot.
  5. People call me bossy, but I would prefer to say that I’m a delegator…or a leader sounds good, too…

What would you tell people right away if you had the chance to give them a disclaimer?

Those Dirty Brits

A recent study by The Wellcome Trust had me reeling the other day. We all know the countless germs we pass on from our hands to objects that we touch on a minutely basis (and vice versa): doorknobs, keyboards, remotes, and of course — our phones. But, can you think of something else very dirty you may be touching in between all the rest?

Ahh — yes, it is gasp-worthy dirty, but probably not THAT which you are thinking…

One in six cell phones in this study was found with something very dirty on it. Watch below to find out what it is. You’ll be saying, “Shame, shame!” to those jolly, ol’ chaps.

I Was Born This Way…So Stop Trying to Change Me!

Lady Gaga singing "Born This Way" wi...

Everyone has felt that feeling when someone says the same thing to you over and over again about a personality trait or characteristic that you should “work on” and you feel like screaming, “I can’t help it!” But isn’t it funny that we pass this attack onto the next person until it becomes a vicious cycle of constant nit-picking on one thing or another?

I once read a Chinese proverb that instructed, “Deal with others faults as gently as with your own,” and it was one of those moments that I had a light bulb go off in my head. I jotted the lesson down — both mentally and in my book of quotes I spoke about in a previous post. I did this to remind myself that just like I often feel like shaking some people (somewhat violently, at times) and enunciating every syllable of, “I. CAN’T. HELP. IT.” — that feeling isn’t a unique one. Everyone feels criticized at some point for having some annoying quality that they just seemed to have been born with. If it’s not directly harming someone you – is it worth hurting that person’s feelings to constantly nag and criticize? In a moment like that, even I want to bust out some Lady Gaga and shout from a mountain top, “Baby, I was born this way!”

I’ll tell you mine, if you tell me yours…

Clumsy Beyond Help

I truly, absolutely, positively believe that some people in this world are born clumsy. I can’t explain how many times I’ve literally astounded even myself by my ungraceful tactics. And here I am: 22-years-old and still getting chastised by my parents every single time I run into a wall in front of me or turn around and knock down an entire glass of water in my lap. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even react with outrage or stress out — because seriously — I CAN’T HELP IT! I am not the type of person who is careless or unmindful of her surroundings. I mean, what kind of normal human being trips on her own pants (skinny jeans, at that) because a toe got caught in one leg? Does a regular person often go to change a shirt and maims herself by scratching her face in the process? Is it common for a graceful person to bend down to wash her face only to pull an entire group of muscles from neck to shoulder blade rendering her partially paralyzed for days? Perhaps a normal child trips during hopscotch and chips half her tooth off? No! But a gal of the clumsy trait is likely to do all these things —so PLEASE, can we stop with the lectures about being “more careful” and to “watch where I’m going”?! I’m just naturally clumsy!!

Chatty Kathy

Okay, please just spare me the “Wow,  you talk a lot” crap. Again, I am so very sorry if this has caused a superb burden in your life, but I have tried again and again to remedy this “problem” to no avail. And I have to say — this is one of those things that I have to admit offends me when I hear it so often. I put up with a lot of people’s quirks and somewhat annoying traits, and this is one of mine! So, before you tell someone behind my back or jokingly tell it to my face — there’s really no need. I have no bitterness or resentment to those who have commented on my nature to speak 100 mph and 1000 words a minute because I know it’s the truth. But you know what? I have a tendency to speak as fast as I think, and it’s a lot harder not to do so when it’s a natural feeling. I think I’ve become more aware of the issue in social situations, and try to work at it — but, if you’re hoping the chattiness will go away — it’s not going to! Because truly, it’s something I was born with. Why do others mumble, or talk slowly, or whatever else? You already know the answer…

The Dumped

This will probably be the craziest sounding quality on this list, but I swear on my life it’s true and I really do believe there are just people in this world who are born with this tendency (although there probably has to be something to do with destiny or cosmic powers, or whatever). I have ALWAYS had this tendency to be stood up, and I don’t mean just by boys. I mean friends, boys, even employers! And no, I’m really not asking for sympathy or your “Awww” reaction. I do not forget to return a call or follow up with someone, and if I do — it’s rare. And even then, you can expect an overdose of apologies and genuine remorse. But for SOME reason, people really just have a tendency to (genuinely or not) forget to call or follow up, or whatever with me. It just happens — always has! It doesn’t even surprise me anymore — frustrates, yes — but not really a surprise factor anymore.

And yes, I’ve gotten the whole “Stop hanging out with the wrong crowd,” but most people in my life are really great people. It would be one thing if it was a personal thing, but I have literally been approached a million times by employers or people in professional settings to work for them, etc. and then when I am the one to follow up — poof! Nothing! It makes absolutely no sense, but I have to tell myself: I was just born this way. What can someone like me do, but hope for better next time and reap through the flaky? No point in wallowing!

So there you go, I’ve spilled about things I am absolutely certain I was born with/as. Your turn!

Uncomfortable Truths

Aren’t people funny in that we are all guilty of the same bad habits, unhealthy actions, and “secret” faults – and yet we go on pretending like we are not “those people.” We point fingers at each other when we know our 3rd grade teachers were right — we’re only pointing three back to ourselves!

As a professional People Observer (it could pay more, I admit)  – I have noted some interesting guilty faults of the human race that makes me want to laugh out loud and say, “You know it’s true!”

  • When you put up a profile picture on Facebook (or anywhere) – even if it’s with other people – you’re only choosing it because you think you look good. The other person/people could be your best friend(s) and look like they have 3 chins, and you wouldn’t care. It especially makes me laugh when you look at a guy’s default picture because you’ll find he picked that one out of all the others because he looks good or “cool” in some way. You just happened to be laughing jovially with your side profile to the camera? Well, of course you were – real modeling pictures are expensive!  That’s what the “crop” tool is for, duh.
  • There comes a point when you’re talking to someone and you want to throw in something that sounds braggy about yourself – for instance, “Not to sound conceited, but I get a lot of compliments on my hair” or how about “I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve got great kids.” Well, the truth is you are a little conceited, and you definitely are bragging, but you’re just hoping to negate that impression by calling yourself out first. Well, it doesn’t really work, and I don’t mean to be vain – but I’m pretty sure I’m right about this.
  • There is a reason someone, some thousands of years ago, in a village in the middle of nowhere said, “Misery loves company,” – and the phrase is still well-known today. The guy/gal wasn’t necessarily a philosopher, but he was wise because don’t deny it – you know when you’re having a crappy day, you don’t really feel like hearing someone else had an absolutely wonderful one. Are you really happy your neighbor won $5.4 million dollars with his first lottery ticket when you’ve probably spent half that in buying them? Do you really want to hear that your friend aced that test and you bombed yours? No, of course not. I love it when someone loses with me, and that’s the stinkin’ truth!
What else do all people do that is uncomfortably true?
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It’s a Baby’s Life: 10 Reasons Why Being a Baby Is Better Than an Adult

As much as growing up has its benefits (driving, dating, money-making, etc),  it’s been a lifelong debate who wins for living a rockstar’s life: babies or adults? Sure, opportunities are abundant when you’ve mastered the art of dumping your own refuse (no pun intended) in the loo and when you have finally learned how to flirt in other ways than groping. But is the new wisdom worth losing the grand life of being a tiny tot? Hm, indeed a chin-scratcher question.

Yes, evolution is definitely a positive change, but after years of intense growing up and gruesome first-hand research – I’ve come to realize that being a baby definitely beats being an adult. And here are 10 reasons why…

  1. Achieving world domination was as easy as letting out one “Wah” — a sick but powerful feeling.
  2. Unlimited back rubs — all day, everyday.
  3. Having a portable toilet attached to your butt —  and someone else wiping.
  4. Getting fatter only made you cuter.
  5. Nobody blamed you if you were stinky, dirty or ill-mannered — just your parents.
  6. Life’s motto was “Play hard, sleep hard.”
  7. Curbside stroller pickup.
  8. There was still hope you’d grow out of the ugly phase.
  9. A new outfit every time you barfed.
  10. Riding on a plane was free.

I mean, I don’t know about you , but I think I’d rather live a baby’s life  all over again…

Worst Commercial Ever: 2011 Education Connection TV Ad

It’s unfortunate when risky ventures go southward, but understandably this is bound to happen sometimes. What is difficult to understand is when people venture into an area in which they should’ve known  was just NOT their place to be. Now, if you’ve got a big name, a fabulous stylist and brilliant designers, putting out your own fashion line is leaping onto a cushion: it’s only slight risky, and you’ll probably be just fine.

But when actors attempt music careers or vice versa, it’s like grabbing for the other swing during a trapeze act: if you don’t catch it, you’ll still land on the safety net, but everyone will remember your pathetic, little fall.  So, there is definitely an amount of due commendation for the risk takers in the world, who are simply chasing after a dream. But at the same time, you can’t help but wonder for some — what were they thinking?!

Recently, I’ve had the misfortune of  (repeatedly) catching an awful commercial on TV that simply makes me cringe. The ad is for the company EducationConnection.com, a resource for those looking to be matched with an online college meeting their needs. Let’s take a look back where the company should’ve stopped while they were ahe — um..while they stagnant and standing.

Originally, the brand attempted to attract youth with a teeny-bopper actress dressed in her oh-so-cute pajamas and fuzzy slippers exclaiming the convenience of attending college in her sleep time ware.

With an air of forced “cool factor”, the commercial was at least instructive and did its job to market the company’s services. Not my favorite, but not the worst.

Then, Education Connection attempted to grab one too many cookies out of the cookie jar: they made a music video.

Oh. God. No.

Enter: Bad Hillary Swank look-alike working at a corn-dog stand (in a fair?), who clearly should be focused on getting a record deal than her four-year degree…[insert sardonic cough].

With her first belted note, my eyes can’t leave her vicious haircut that unfortunately just looks like a wig that was on its way to becoming a mullet for an ’80s movie (or parody, anyway). Streaked with bad highlights, it doesn’t even seem to have individually moving strands.

Then she begins to bop to the beat. Oh, she’s rockin’ now — to an awful tune that you know will be stuck in your head all day. What is this commercial?! For an awful minute and half, my mind is so completely consumed by the atrociousness of this ad, that even if I had been looking for an online college, I wouldn’t have made the connection to the commercial.

Even worse to realize was that this “song” was created by an actual music producer, Anthony Falcone. He produces actual music — that’s pretty good! Yet, this commercial is listed on his resume on his Facebook page. Rethink this Falcone, rethink it!

Who really is to blame for this monstrous flop though? The company for hiring the ad execs, the execs for hiring this girl, or Falcone for the cheesy track?

Either way, here is the commercial. What do you think?